Why have I decided to divulge the apex of my neuroses through a very public drink diary that will forever live on the internet? Because the people need to know! Just as they needed to know what a 64-page book of selfies would look like.

Maybe you really do need to know. Maybe this has been the secret to glowing skin that has, up until this point, eluded you all along. Maybe chlorophyll and apple cider vinegar and pre and probiotics will make it all just a little more bearable and water a little less bland.

In all seriousness, there’s not a face cream in the world that’s going to get your skin 100% if you’re not taking care of your gut health. If you are reading this like yes this is me!!!, you may find what you’re looking for below between the hours of 6:00am and 9:00pm.

6:00am: Fresh lemon juice with warm water

Kick start your stomach and liver first thing in the AM with a nice soothing mix of warm water and lemon followed by a shot of apple cider vinegar (that is, if you’re all about a side of dry retching with your sunrise).

8:00am: The neurotic smoothie for glowing skin

Here, we have the world’s most convoluted smoothie: almond milk, coconut water, frozen banana, blueberries, protein powder, probiotic powder, coconut yogurt, cinnamon, chia seeds, LSA, cashew butter and The Beauty Chef Glow Powder. Yes, really. Just try not to spill any down your shirt on the train to work.

9:00am: Coffee (long black, no sugar)

Crack.

10:00am: Water and vitamin c powder

Half of me sees the vitamin industry as one big multi-billion dollar farce; the other half puts those things in her water every day. This one by Amazonia contains prebiotics and unprocessed vitamin C, so your body’s a whole lot more likely to absorb those nutrients. Cue improved immune health and increased collagen production.

1:00pm: Digestive tea

Read in Nigella Lawson voice: Peppermint is simple yet oh so invigorating, anise and fennel works wonders for relieving a spot of gas, ginger is a tummy tonic par excellence and will make you feel positively radiant.

02:00pm: Chlorophyll water

Before, I spiralled into all of this madness you are now trawling through, I swore by one glass of chlorophyll water per day. It’s simple, tastes minty, detoxes your body of heavy metals, oxygenates your blood, keeps your skin clear and makes your teeth green, among other things…

4:00pm: Green tea

Because antioxidants and natural caffeine and avoiding that second cup of coffee…which I’ll probably have anyway along with a chocolate bar.

6:00pm: WINE TIME!!!

After going through the sheer stress of fitting so many brewed and mixed drinks into one day, you’re going to need something stronger to take off the edge. Natural wine, of course, because it’s, like, fermented grape juice with minimal sulphites and mostly organic grapes, so it has to be sort of amazing for you, right?

8:00pm: Apple cider vinegar

Christophe Robin gave me this tip with wry Parisian aplomb: if you’ve had one too many said natural wines, a shot of apple cider vinegar before bed will detoxify your liver, and, as a result, prevent your skin and scalp producing excess sebum as you snooze.

9:00pm: The Beauty Chef Sleep Inner Beauty Powder

I swear by all things by The Beauty Chef, but especially this. If your adrenals are shot from long hours and too much coffee, lemon balm and passionflower will soothe a shrill nervous system. For overnight skin healing, you’ve got the addition of bio-fermented turmeric and 1.5 billion probiotics per serve.

Words, Rose Howard.