Some Weird And Expensive Things You Can Do To De-Puff Your Eyes

I cleanse. I tone. I switch between five different types of serum—maybe I’ll layer two at once if I’m feeling extra special. Some nights, I’ll apply an overnight chemical peel, a spot treatment, a facial oil, a sleeping mask. In the morning, I’ll slap on sunscreen and lose my mind because there are literally* more products floating around my bathroom cabinet than there are kids crying at a Katy Perry concert.

At this point, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, If she’s going to use so many products, why doesn’t she use an eye cream? I’m kidding—you are definitely not asking yourself that question, but let me answer it for you anyway. I’ll keep it short and sweet.

I quit eye cream a few years back, mostly because I heard some famous makeup artist say it was useless, and also because I’m lazy. I had puffy eyes and dark circles, but nothing ever seemed to fix me, so I retired my last eye product from the shelf and saved myself an extra ten seconds every morning and night. And honestly, without it, I couldn’t really tell the difference. That was, until my girlfriend with equally puffy eyes told me about how she’d started using La Mer’s The Eye Concentrate.

She didn’t so much “tell” me as she just kept going on about it (and you know when someone keeps going on about something, it’s usually because it has, to some degree, rocked their world). I tried it, and it also rocked mine. Dark circles are genetic. Nothing’s ever going to completely erase them, but the whole area looks significantly less severe thanks to La Mer’s signature Miracle Broth and hematite, a magnetically charged mineral that targets discolouration and strengthens the paper-thin skin around the eyes. The tiniest amount keeps everything looking plump, fresh, and hydrated for longer than I ever thought possible—a really good thing when you think about the sky-high price tag. Actually, best not to look at the price tag at all. Go in with your eyes closed.

In addition, here are a few other things that may help you in your own quest toward wide-awake eyes:

  • Stand on your head for a few minutes each morning

    You know how they love to make you stand on your head in yoga? It’s called Shirshasana. Look it up. Try it at home in the AM. By reversing the flow of gravity, this pose not only encourages stagnant liquid to flow from your eyes, it’ll also flush your entire face with fresh blood, oxygen, and nutrients, giving you that I-just-had-a-facial-before-work look.

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    Get dermal filler injected into your eye bags

    I hear this one really works, so, if you’re a little less alarmed at the idea of having needles injected around the things that allow you to see flowers and babies and sunrises, go for your life.

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    Leave spoons in your freezer

    I leave spoons in my freezer, much to the ire of every boyfriend and housemate I’ve ever had. I understand spoons are supposed to live in the cutlery drawer and not in the freezer, but they also make for very effective de-puffing tools in the morning.

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    Do boring things, such as:

    Drink more water. Eat less salt. Get more sleep. Drink less coffee. While caffeine applied topically is a godsend for puffiness, drinking five cups a day is going to make you look like you’ve been punched in the face. Unfortunately, I love coffee too much to take my own advice on this one.

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    *I state “literally” here not in the actual, literal sense, but in the way the Kardashians use the adverb for hyperbolic emphasis, such as “I am literally dying right now” or “I literally never use botox, ever.”

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    Words, Rose Howard.