Ah, the things we do in the name of beauty, I thought to myself as I ran a vibrating, baby pink silicone “finger” along my orbital bone one fine Monday morning. Am I talking about a sex toy or a hi-tech beauty device? Honestly, who knows anymore. But what I do know is this: technology and beauty have come together over the past year like two stars colliding, spawning a black hole of devices that promise salon-grade results in the privacy of our own homes.

LED light therapy? We’ll give you red, green AND blue. Sonic vibrations? Take the dirt out, work those serums further in. Electric micro-currents? They’re calling it the new non-invasive facelift. But do they really live up to their near indecipherable USPs? That is the million dollar question – and I mean that almost literally because many of the tools in question require a significant portion of your hard earned dollars.

So, please. Come along for the ride. Upgrade your beauty routine. Join me as I stare into the mirror for the better part of a month, questioning how my life choices got me to holding a zit-zapping wand in one hand, toothbrush in the other.

Along with taking field notes on my phone along the way – observing changes in texture, firmness, plumpness and tone – I also used an incredibly scientific litmus to determine the final cut. That is, in the words of Marie Kondo, does each and every one spark joy? Short answer: yes!

Foreo Iris Eye Massager

This suspect-looking eye massager, so erroneously curved like an uber-chic Swedish sex toy, gently taps and pulses with its tiny, padded silicone finger. It’s weird and wonderful on so many levels – and yes, the first time I used it I laughed like a teenage girl ripping open the sealed section in Cosmopolitan for the first time. 3 weeks on and it has now become an indulgent, yet essential part of my morning routine, key to depuffing my eyes and key to concealing the fact that I stayed up reading an hour past my bedtime.

Step 1: maximise results by first running an ice cube under your eyes and all over your face to de-puff and boost circulation.

Step 2: apply your favourite eye cream or serum (here’s our comprehensive guide by skin concern).

Step 3: run the Iris Eye Massager from the inner corner of your eye and out along the orbital bone to encourage lymphatic drainage – and you’re done!

Neutrogena Light Therapy Spot Treatment

When I first used the Light Therapy Spot Treatment I had, to be honest, quite low expectations. How effective could a drugstore device really be? Well. Turns out a woman with a pre-date breakout is in no place to draw such a rash hypothesis. So I turned that device and held it over each spot for 3 minutes, 3 times a day, with the same zest for life I usually reserve for half-off sales a Net-a-Porter – and the results were truly *shocking*. Within 24 hours my emerging breakouts had shrunk almost completely in size and redness, and it is so effective, I have not been tempted to squeeze a pimple out of existence since.

Foreo UFO Smart Mask Treatment

I love Lisa Eldridge – and anything Lisa Eldrige does, I must do. So one night, when I was sitting on my couch eating cashew butter out of the jar with a spoon and watching her glass skin makeup tutorial, I knew I had to get my hands on the Foreo UFO when she said, “Oh, it feels heavenly,” in her dulcet English accent. And heavenly it does feel. Look, it’s not cheap – and by not cheap, I mean it costs more than a week’s rent. But it works. Using a combination of heat therapy, transdermal sonic pulses, and LED lights, it massages the mask into your skin like nothing else, leaving it plump, glowing and impossibly dewy. And if we’re measuring this against 30-minutes with a sheet mask, these results come out on top many times over. Did I mention that it only takes 90-seconds?

NuFACE Trinity Facial Toning Device

If you can’t feel it, it can’t really be working…right? Also, if a device has been touted a ‘microcurrent miracle’ and a ‘non-invasive facelift’ it’s gotta be too good to be true. Right?? As it turns out: Wrong-ish. Almost immediately I could feel to wand delivering its low-voltage electrical currents into the deep tissue all over my face, supposedly stimulating collagen production and improving my skin’s elasticity. Very sci-fi – and as it turns out, very effective. I’m not going to go ahead and scream “it’s a microcurrent miracle” from the rooftops just yet, but within 5 days I did notice that the overall appearance of my skin was firmer – and my jawline and cheekbones, dare I say, more defined. Watch this space for a full 60 day review.