Allow me to preface this with the disclaimer that I’m not suggesting every British man is the same. That would be boldly assumptive – especially as a Canadian. They come in all shapes and star signs. Some are named George and others are named Ollie. Some are from the north, and some, the south. Some like football because it’s “the world’s greatest game”, and some pretend to like football because they were forced to by crushing societal pressure and their paternal figures. But British men do – seemingly – have one thing in common despite their best efforts: emotions and expectations. Like the weather, these are mixed and prone to gails. I happen to adore them, but there are things I wished I’d known before meeting so many of them at their local boozer. So if you find yourself lucky enough to be dating one of these fine men, allow me to share a few tips I’ve learned from dating…a few of them.
1. They’re funny. There, I’ve said it. Their humour is as dry as the Saharan. They’ve mastered the art of “taking the piss” out of you while turning you on, so pack your self-deprecation with your mints.
2. They say things like “I fancy you”, and “she’s fit” which are terms that I had only previously heard as a little girl at sleepaway camp. These are compliments of which the rough translations are “I like you,” and “I think you’re beautiful,” but they would never use these words as they’re much too direct.
3. Don’t expect them to be direct. Equally, be prepared for surprising bursts of directness. The former might manifest itself in texts like “There’s someone on X Factor that looks like you”, which means “I think about you all the time”. The latter will hit you between the eyes on a random Tuesday afternoon at the park when you think you’re having a nice time but as it turns out, they think “you’re not good on paper.”
4. You will likely not be good enough on paper. Even with your Oxford honours and Strava records. Can you play the clarinet? Are you an equestrian? Can you really not speak Latin? The list goes on. Practice self-affirming mantras: You are already enough. Or try the flute, I’ve heard it’s easier.
5. Embrace the pub. The pub is much more than a bar. It’s a home, it’s a church. A safe place. They come undone there. I like it. It smells like a college boy’s flat, if that college boy was a hundred years old and collected commemorative coins for fun.
6. Even the coldest hearts will be charmed by a British man. They’re gifted with what I call the “Hugh Grant Circa 1996 Halo” which is where they can say rogue things in a way that makes your spaghetti strap slip off your shoulder.
7. They’re all secret romantics about something. They get teary eyed at royal occasions. They have a sense of history. They believe in something, even if that something is Liverpool’s line-up. This kind of devotion is endearing.
8. The gilet. I take the gilet as more of a survival choice than a fashion choice. Sure, it’s warm – but not in the arms! – and the most cherished kind comes with a little logo. The wardrobe gets better on the weekend.
9. They’re gentlemen. They’ll hold the door. They mind the gap. But deep down, there’s always a freaky, beautiful kink. Go in search of it.
10. Culture. They will inevitably want you to watch a British show with them like The Inbetweeners, Gavin and Stacey, or Peepshow. They will consider this your informal education on British humour and watch you watching this show intensely for signs of approval.
11. Feelings. They have them, but you’ll have to unearth them under years of polite parenting, the psychological burden of the phrase “Keep Calm and Carry On”, and Guinness. Once you do, you’ll be sorry you have.
12. They’re supportive. They want you to write, but please God, never about them.