It was just a few days before New Year and I was really looking forward to it. For many of us the new year can be very symbolic. Often when a year has felt particularly challenging the new year can feel like a fresh start, an opportunity to leave behind the pain, the struggles and what we feel no longer serves us. I wanted to believe that 2023 would finally be the year that I would feel strong again, and that I would find a way to live without pain and fear controlling my life.
For the years since the pandemic I felt so much loss which I’m sure most will relate to. Those years feel like a strange and horrible nightmare. One that we don’t really want to talk about, probably because we all felt traumatized and want so badly to forget.
I had been trying to pick up all the little pieces of my life and put them back together and as 2022 was coming to an end I felt like I was so close. But on the morning of the 28th of December without any warning I felt a sudden eruption of pain. I couldn’t bring myself to stand up but I managed to cry out for my mother to help. My step father carried me to the car and they rushed me to the local rural hospital. I had no idea what was happening to me, all I knew was that I was pregnant and something was very wrong.
Much of that day is a blur as I spent many hours in agony in the hospital waiting room. I could barely talk or think as I kept blacking out from the pain. When I was finally seen by a doctor I was told it was likely that I had an ectopic pregnancy rupture. I hardly knew what that meant, and had only ever heard about it when it became a topic when the U.S. was changing their abortion laws. As the doctors were examining me they informed me that my left fallopian tube had ruptured and in that moment I went into complete shock. They told me I was bleeding internally and I’d have to be transported to a hospital closer to the city for emergency surgery. I only have vague memories of whimpering and moaning in pain and terror in that hour long ambulance ride.
The fear of what the future would look like was overwhelming, but the fear that I might not have a future was even more consuming. Right before I went under anaesthetic I remember crying to one of the nurses and asking her if I would still be able to have children. She told me that despite having multiple ectopic pregnancies she went onto to have children and I’m so glad she was able to give me a glimmer of hope right before the aesthetic knocked me out.
When I woke up after the surgery I was met with even more pain. I was bruised from the surgery and my neck and back ached as they would from a really bad flu. I could hear two other patients on either side of me crying in agony and it was all too much to cope with. It was so painful to stand up but I was determined to do it, as the hospital would only allow me to go home if they saw I was able to walk around a little bit. So I willed myself to take those steps and was able to recover at my parents’ house.
I was lucky that this happened while I was visiting them for the holidays because I can’t imagine going through what I did without them. Although I was very well taken care of I can remember getting upset at my mother for something that was probably out of her control. I could see this particular look on her face when she would come into my room and it was really affecting me. It was as if I was this fragile thing made of glass. Since it was something she couldn’t help, she started jokingly coming into my room with a paper bag on her head so I couldn’t see that look in her eyes.
Looking back now, I do feel bad for being upset over it as I know I am so lucky to have been somewhere safe, with so much support. I just don’t think I was ready to confront what I had been through and the way she looked at me was a reminder. I was so focused on getting better physically that I tried my hardest not to think about how I was feeling emotionally.
About a month into my recovery when my body was starting to feel normal, the emotional trauma hit me like a bus. Just as I felt my fresh start was around the corner with the new year approaching, I thought as soon as I can walk and get back to work things would get easier, but I was still at the very beginning of my healing journey.
The first half of 2023 was filled with so much mental pain. There were countless days I would lay in bed in complete darkness and just cry. I don’t know if it was a trauma response as my brain was trying to make sense of why this had happened to me, but I spent a lot of time believing that it was some sort of karma for my mistakes. I felt more insecure than ever before as well as broken mentally and physically.
When I was thinking about what I wanted to cover sharing my story, at first I didn’t know what I could write about other than my experience with an ectopic rupture.
As I have been going back through it all though, I would like to talk about the importance of taking care of your mental health through an experience like this.
Whether it’s an ectopic pregnancy or any sort of emergency surgery it is hard on your mind, just as it is on your body. I think everyone could benefit with a little therapy from time to time but I think it is crucial after going through any sort of traumatic event. I can’t say my mental wounds are completely healed just yet, but I do feel much closer to that day.
Though 2023 was my hardest year yet it was not all bad, in fact in many ways towards the end of the year, it started to feel like one of the best. I have never felt so loved and supported through something. The way people close to me and even people who hardly knew me showed up for me was a very beautiful thing to see and feel.
I felt gratitude deeper than I ever have before to the point where at times I was so touched I would bawl my eyes out. The love and support we can offer each other through hard times is one of the most special gifts we have to give. Life is chaos and at times it may not feel fair. But it gets easier to cope with the lows as we learn how to take better care of ourselves.
If you are struggling please try to remember you don’t have to carry the weight of what you are going through alone. There is so much love in the world and we all deserve to feel it.