I wrote recently about the affair I wish I never had and today I filed for divorce. It felt like the strangest thing to do. In England it seems quite straightforward; fill out some forms online, and wait for the court to “approve”. Set an appointment with a mediator. There are few words to describe the feeling of letting go of a long relationship – 19 years in my case, my entire adult life. Distress, anger, grief, angst are a few, yet the strongest emotion of all, is relief. Relief from the rope that connected us, a marriage filled with avoidance, neglect, contempt, yet also filled with love, enjoyment and comfort. Ambivalent, bittersweet.
I had never in my life imagined I would be divorced. The word carries stigma. The label carries shame. Married people can view you as a threat or worse, an outcast, someone that couldn’t just keep the expected family dynamic together. People projected their dogma on me wherever I went- do this, no do that. Yes, marriage can be like a religion to a lot of people. “Friends” disappeared overnight, as did invitations. I assumed people would wonder, “How could she do that to her kids?” The reality is that our children didn’t see us as “together”. My daughter thought we were just friends as we had never even slept in the same room. I know I should have raised flags earlier, but I didn’t. So many missed opportunities.
Why do people stay in dead marriages? Now that I’ve been sharing my story, many people I talk to slowly reveal their own secrets, the husband they don’t love, the sex they don’t have, the security they can’t live without. I never really thought I was unique in my experience, but I didn’t truly understand the extent of others in similar positions. The reasons to stay were very clear –
1. Children – let’s face it, no one would ever wish to be a single parent. Modern life has rid us of the villages we need to raise children, therefore we are forced to rely heavily upon our spouses.
2. Finances- at best most marriages are an entanglement of money, of which unravelling is overwhelming as soon as most people realize that they simply cannot afford to live alone.
3. Society expectations- how can we tell our friends and family we have failed? That we can’t make it work? That we made unforgivable mistakes?
4. Dramatic changes- most people resist all forms of change as they age. Family brings familiarity, but is familiarity the same as love?
I tried to salvage the relationship, yet the actions I had taken 2 years ago (INFIDELITY) meant this was impossible. I had to accept my fate.
But more than anything, today marks the day of a new chapter in my life, a new beginning. In reality, I might have never actually filed for divorce if I had not meant someone special. It’s too early to imagine the future, but meeting someone special has opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I can have another chance at my life. A future with a partner that respects me, sees me, holds my hand, and makes love to me. Divorced people have a way of finding each other…a connection, a label, a desire to be loved and love back in the way that our marriages failed us. Divorcees often walk around with hesitation, baggage, a vulnerability that can only be explained over weeks and months of cautious meetings. Our shared love of children and family bring us together. Our shared desire for passion and a life well-lived propel us forward.
The start of this new relationship, surprisingly, has brought on a new found compassion for my soon to be ex-husband. Every mistake I made, the damage I did by ignoring him for years and taking his kindness for granted has replayed in my head over and over. I know it was a two-way street, but that doesn’t in any way negate or justify my own mistakes. I try to talk to my ex with compassion and kindness, even when I can see and feel the contempt in his eyes and language. I hope one day he feels the same, but I accept that I will never really know, because our connection is gone. There are no more eye contact moments. No inside jokes. That chapter has closed, and I hope he finds peace and happiness with someone more suited to him than I was.
I know for certain that I won’t bring my marriage mistakes into this new relationship, my big D as I will call him, and I hope he won’t either. Growth, both together and apart, is a beautiful and fulfilling experience.
Every day is an adventure, a learning experience, and a beautiful opportunity to make each other’s lives better. Endless nights of laughter, chess games, park walks, raw intimacy in an unhurried way that divorcees can afford…….To be continued…